Keep an eye out here for anything from short stories to rants.
Those who know me know I was raised and reared on a steady diet of longform tv recaps and internet forum discussions about those longform tv recaps. Each recap filled pages and pages and was scattered with all kinds of pithy quips and jokes, particularly of the deep cut insider variety. And I dreamed. DREAMED. Of one day, also publishing longform tv recaps of my very own onto the internet for dozens, yes, dozens of people to read.
Well, never let your dreams be dreams, kids.
Because instead of completing any of the many, many to-dos I have awaiting me on the task bar of my gmail, I decided to recap this trashbag, overly-complicated and confusingly titled Netflix show The Utlimatum Marry or Move On hosted by Nick Lachay (obviously) and Vanessa Lachay.
Now, before I press play on this god-forsaken show, I want to say that I know I fully run the risk of becoming extremely invested in these characters’ lives and their contrived storylines to a degree that will compell me to seek out their social medias and read every comment posted about them on all relevant subreddits. It is merely the way of my kind (aka people with trash taste and a penchant for binging consumables).
So, just know that for everything I write in this recap, I do so with love.
Okay, first things we’re introduced to our opening couple Alexis and Hunter, and you just know we’re gonna be in trouble. I don’t even have to hear them talk to know some annoying fuck-shit is about to go all the way down.
Alexis wants Hunter to commit, and Hunter says he isn’t ready. Hunter, my dude. You’re like thirty-seven. You’re telling me you can’t commit to this woman next to you in the silk tank and ripped, light-wash denim from the early aughts? She’s been waiting, my dude! Frozen forever in time at Rue 21. C’mon.
Verdict: I’m on Alexis’ side.
Okay next couple, Madlyn and Colby. I’m sensing a theme here since everyone’s dressed casually. Also, apparently these two met in college and have only been together a year and a half so I’m doing some VERY shocking math about the ages of these two. Look, I’ve paused the show so I haven’t even heard them talk yet, but my unsolicited advice to them is to break up and run now. Okay, continuing on. I dunno why, but I’m already searching Colby for tucked away red flags because I don’t like the energy he’s radiating. Colby wants to be American’s Next Top Married Person and immediately. Something about a man pushing a woman into marriage is a little on the terrifying side to me but that could just be projection since I waited fifteen years before agreeing to marry my partner.
Verdict: I’m on Madlyn’s side.
OMG, so I vaguely knew the premise of this show, but now that these couples are talking about the premise of this show it like really like hit me hit me. One wants to get married, one doesn’t, and now they’re all gonna be shoved together to see if they’re more compatible with…someone else on the show for some reason??? I’m gonna have to suspend some disbelief here about whether or not any of this shit is real. Having said that…
I am ALL. THE. WAY. FUCKING. IN.
Colby in his talking head interview says in a very tearful way that if Madlyn can’t commit to him then he needs to find someone who can. And it’s supposed to be this very dramatic moment but I’m kinda like…yeah, that’s basically the standard order of operations of things. That’s, like, the entire concept of modern dating.
Perhaps an unpopular opinion but I fucking hate Nick and Vanessa with a fiery passion all based on the last season of Love is Blind when Vanessa used the reunion as a platform to humblebrag about how much Nick loves her as if she and Nick Lachay are some kind of fucking paragon of relationship excellence that we should all emulate. It bugs. Get fucked Lachays.
Anyway, Nick and Vanessa intro the concept of the show and I can’t believe these jokers get fucking paid for this. I tip my hat to their grift.
Next couple Shanique and Randall. Okay, Shanique wants to have a baby and then another baby after that. Also, she likes cooking but not doing dishes which she thinks qualifies her as a good wife. Just the fact that this is even brought up at all in regards to being “a wife” is tough on the old “feminine mystique”. Randall just wants to clear some debt before he gets married.
Yeeaaaah. This seems reasonable and honestly considerate? I’m worried about these two. But on the other hand, it doesn’t seem like Randall is afraid to commit it sounds like he just wants his ducks in a row before he legally combines finances with another person and then brings new people in the world that he is also financially responsible for. Verdict: So far, I’m on Randall’s side.
(Side note, I just found out Hunter’s TWENTY EIGHT!!! OMG, I just genuinely don’t know anybody’s age anymore. Sorry, Hunter.)
Oh no. Oh nooooooo. Oh no. Nick and Vanessa are telling their own “love origin story” and I just DGAFFFFFFFF. MOVE OFF THE SCREEEN. Boo. *Throws popcorn*. The music gets real serious when Vanessa talks about the break they took, and when I tell you, I could not care less.
Next intro, April and Jake. And I can’t explain it but April and Jake give me weird sibling vibes. Maybe it’s the coordinating clothes.
Vanessa Lachay says she wants “all of them” to leave engaged to the person they know they want to spend the rest of their life with. And why are Nick&Vanessa Lachay and Netflix producers apparently quite literally obsessed with the experience of marriage.
And why am I, a person who is married but acting way above the fray, sitting here recapping it all?
After the introductions, The Lachays announce that this is the last night the couples will spend together before spending the night with someone else (or whatever the rules are I’m only half paying attention). And then with sadness, Madlyn expresses ambivalence about leaving Colby and then in the most hilarious transition ever says “But I am attracted to Randall.” As far as we the viewer have seen, she literally hasn’t even uttered one single word to Randall so that really makes the whole thing so extra lol.
Next shot, April and Jake. April is the one with the ultimatum in this couple and she’s 23 and she wants a ring and a baby “with you now.” I’m really taken aback by how conservative this whole shebang is. Like, many of the cast are in their EARLY twenties. Like baby you are the baby.
April and Jake are acting so fucking lovey dovey for two people who are probs about to fuck other people and torpedo their relationship on a world wide streaming service. April calls Jake an angel sent from heaven and then Jake says some bullshit and jesus fucking christ who even cares blahblahblah whatever. Then OMG I LEGIT LAUGH SO LOUD when April says, “You bought me a car. I don’t understand how if we’re not married you can buy me a car.” Like honey, sweetie, doll, I don’t know how to break it to you, but…anyone can buy anyone a car for any reason at any time. It’s a mere monetary transaction. Then some crying happens and Jake states several times that he loves April very very much, and y’all I genuinely think he’s lying at this point.
Verdict thus far: I’m on nobody’s side.
Now we find ourselves with Lauren and Nate. And oh no. Things aren’t starting out great. Nate triggers me big time right off the bat by saying snarky shit and interrupting Lauren instead of just allowing her to say how she feels. I’ve now decided he’s a villain and I’ll probs hate him for the rest of the show. But let’s continue to watch…
Yeah, I don’t see how anything works out with this couple since Lauren doesn’t want kids and Nick has an intense, unsettling stare and interrupts her when she speaks.
Easiest verdict ever: I’m on Lauren’s side.
Another couple! Rae and Zay. Rae says, “I stay in the gym. I have a degree. I cook I clean, and I know how to fuck.” And to Rae, I say: Do less.
Rae and Zay have a really convoluted conversation about nothing which further illuminates the fact that I don’t actually understand the rules of this fucken show, nor will I try to learn them.
Verdict: Ugh, honestly….I’m even more confused than them. We’ll say nobody.
Back to Shanique and Randall. They do sexy shoe removing activities together. There’s a bunch of filler of them packing in sexy robes and talking about how they’re breaking up. Then they cry and my ice cold dead heart feels NOTHING! NOTHING. There’s more filler of other couples too.
In a talking head, Alexis says, “I’m gonna cook for you I’m gonna clean for you I’m gonna do your laundry.” And I am genuinely confused about what’s happening in hetero relationships today. Why have three women stated that they will cook and clean et al for these men. I haven’t heard a single fucking man utter any c words thus far. Like, what. In. The. Fuck. am I supposed to do with this?
Again, to Alexis I say: Do less, my friend. Do less.
Madlyn utters the words to Colby, “The only thing scarier than losing you right now would be to marry you.” THEN YOU MUST RUN GOOD CITIZEN. RUN FAR FAR AWAY. I do not like Colby, but Nate is still #1 villain.
Some text on the screen and a boppy music change indicate that we are now “One week until THE CHOICE”. Again, gun to my head, couldn’t tell you what the fuck these people are supposed to be doing. And yet, I’m fully invested.
So the the castmates are now hanging out around a pool. There are way more thongs on display than I expected there to be??? Anyway.
April comes in hot but all the men give her “the same bullshit ass excuse as every guy” about wanting to be financially stable. April says she’s already financially stable and she doesn’t need them for that. Fair enough.
Montage montage. Zay has sex multiple times a day (okay), Hunter has a wild side: he likes sci-fi books (the editors scorched him on that edit, and I respect them for it). Madlyn is in super into Randall, and from afar Shanique is understandably unimpressed. I genuinely lol when Madlyn starts putting Colby all the way on public bast while talking to Randall.
Honestly, it’s funny from my perspective, but if I were Randall I’d be seeing red flags.
Colby and Alexis chat, and right away, I’m like, nuh uh. I don’t like this. I don’t like this energy mix right here right now. But of course, Alexis is into Colby. OF COURSE. Alexis admits that finances are essentially the most important thing to her in a marriage. And I have no qualms, marriage is literally a legal contract. The money thing has Colby running scared. Colby talks some shit about Alexis for being straightforward with him and then it’s clear they’re probs not gonna be a match. Too bad so sad.
Our next match is Colby and April. And now that I see them together, I’m kinda like yeah they both have dangerous frenetic energy that would definitely produce a rushed marriage and messy divorce. (Interrupting to say I just noticed Colby is wearing a hemp necklace like the kind I used to braid in college. Was this show actually filmed over a decade ago, cryogenically frozen and thawed out for netflix to blast out to eight billion people in the year 2022 or am I totally out of pocket here?) Needless to say Colby doesn’t think you have to be financially stable to get married. No surprises here.
Colby and Lauren chat. I don’t like Colby but whatever. As expected, Colby absolutely does not listen to what Lauren is so clearly saying about not wanting to have children and essentially gaslights her that “you do it with someone you love.” This show is about men not listening and women valuing their worth via cooking and cleaning. That’s my take away so far. Lauren run for the god damn hills.
Rae and Jake next. They have a lot in common, love their moms, grew up as only children, both want two kids. Their moms actually sound pretty cool? Begrudgingly, I kind of like these two together. Begrudgingly. But at least something has happened on this show.
Okay, we switch to some kind of restaurant bar place now. All of the castmates play some contrived “confess or drink” game and when I tell you that I am uncomfortable. I just feel bad for them. It’s awkward. Allegedly most of the women are interested in Colby. Y’all. I don’t have the words. I don’t have the words. King Gaslighter gonna gaslight I guess.
In a one on one moment, Colby tells Alexis he’s not interested in her. It brings me relief that he is upfront and honest. Alexis gets real pissed though, and like, yeah, feel your feels.
I continue to be confounded by the premise of this show.
Rae and Jake talk some more about how they have so much in common, April watches from afar and experiences jealousy. Like, welp. That’s the deal.
And then credits!
Verdict: I will watch all the episodes of this fucking show.
Also Verdict: I will continue to not at all understand the premise.
Also also Verdict: It truly won’t matter one bit.
Thanks for coming, y’all. Do you want episode 2?